


Why?

by SaiSuki1329



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexuality, F/M, Gen, Not Beta Read, Post-War, Short One Shot, Song: Karma (AJR), Songfic, Teacher Harry Potter, Therapy, War Vet, minor depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29840418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaiSuki1329/pseuds/SaiSuki1329
Summary: Harry exploded.Dr. Honeycutt had only made one comment of how she felt Harry was getting better and he kind of lost it. Here he was a 23-year-old war vet, teaching children and now essentially acting like one.Dr. Honeycutt impressively didn’t even flinch when Harry's magic suddenly started throwing her things around. She didn’t look concerned or scared, didn’t show pity or sadness. Just a vague sort of interest. Then she asked that terrible question that Harry never had the answer to.Why?Harry deflated after that and watched as the room righted itself without any help from Dr. Honeycutt. Books found their way back to the shelf and broken glass repaired itself.Harry couldn't help but laugh, the sound hysterical.He questioned whether he was Dr. Honeycutt's hardest, craziest patient. Honeycutt blinked her eyes slowly at this question before smiling. Amusement dancing in her brown eyes.Why?
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley(brief)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings All!
> 
> I wrote this very short fic while at work! This song Karma from AJR has been stuck in my head so I wrote a songfic in hopes of getting it out. That did not work but a really good fic did come from it. 
> 
> Now in this fic, I do want to point out that I myself went through a bit of depression a few years back and had a therapist, best woman ever! My depression was minor, as is Harry's in this fic, but none of that takes away from the seriousness some folks face when dealing with depression. 
> 
> I strongly encourage anyone who feels like they need to, to seek therapy, sometimes you don't even realize you need therapy for something until you go! Honestly, a lot more fun and enriching than most people believe. Even after I got out of my depression I still saw a therapist throughout undergrad. Very helpful for dealing with stress and learning healthy coping techniques. 
> 
> But I digress, I don't own Harry Potter or this song. If you haven't heard of AJR then check them out! Amazing music!
> 
> Anyone here regarding Blue Eyes. Sorry about that dead fic. I swear I'll get back to it one day. Promise!

_ I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly _

_ I've been so good, why am I feeling empty? _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

_ I've been so good, but it's still getting harder _

_ I've been so good, where the hell is the karma? _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

Harry had done it, he killed Voldemort. Peace would come to the Wizarding world at last and everyone would be happy. Harry had sacrificed everything; his Hogwarts days, his education, his own normality, hell his actual fucking life. All to kill Voldemort and he had done it he had won with the help of his friends. He had done the selfless thing for others, for adults who created the situation, to begin with. 

So why wasn’t Harry happy? 

Why did so many people still cry amongst the celebration of Tom's death? 

Why did Harry feel as though every day was still a fight to wake up, bury emotions, and attend funeral after funeral. Harry did not feel like the Universe smiled upon him, he felt as though he was being slowly suffocated by it. 

Harry didn’t understand, he had done everything, he had vanquished evil, he had married the girl everyone told him to marry, beautiful Ginny, so much like his mother, he had attended speeches and gatherings over the year to commemorate the dead. He’d even had a book published through Luna to make sure his story was heard so others would not repeat it. 

Hell, he’d funded and opened a fucking orphanage so that no more magical children would have to suffer through what Tom had at the hands of uncaring and vicious Muggles. 

Still, Harry felt like a void had emptied out his insides and he began to wonder if anything he did, all the good, was even worth it. 

Harry loved Ginny, but did he love her enough to have kids with her? Harry adored his friends, but watching them move on together Hermione and Ron made his heart squeeze tight. Harry appreciated the Wizarding world and all its magic, but sometimes Harry was disgusted by the blatant hypocrisy of the Light Wizards. 

And Harry began to question everything.

_ Why, are you asking me why? _

_ My days and nights are filled with disappointment _

_ Fine, oh no, everything's fine _

_ I'm not sure why I booked today's appointment _

Harry began to see a therapist, or ‘Mind Healer’ as the wizards called it. It was a Witch from America, after the defeat of Voldemort the demand for Mind Healers had increased drastically in Europe so several from other continents temporarily relocated. Harry was supposedly seeing the best Mind Healer in the world, mostly for free as his name alone leaving her office brought in hundreds of patient applications. 

It was Hermione's idea for Harry to do this. After Ginny complained to her about the night terrors keeping him AND her awake. Harry had an inkling of an idea that she had also complained about the lack of sex though mostly the lack of interest Harry had in her. Not that Harry didn’t think she was stunning, because he did, but the idea of having kids turned his stomach sour and he knew she was taking fertility potions which only turned him off more. He didn’t tell Ginny this, though he knew he should. 

Instead, he told the Mind Healer, Dr. Sarah Honeycutt. A wonderful lady with dark chocolate skin, with long braided hair down her back and kind but fierce brown eyes. She was an older woman likely mid-30’s, but Harry knew she had been practicing for at least 20 years so she had to be older, he just couldn’t tell, a homage to the comments he’d heard of Black people aging very well.

Dr. Honeycutt believed in combing muggle, or No-Maj as she called them, practices and wizarding ones in order to help her patients. Harry would admit she had helped several people he knew, but he just couldn’t seem to feel better himself. He told her about the hollow feeling inside and she had him talk it out. She always asked ‘why’ and honestly Harry didn’t know the answer half the time. 

Sometimes he didn’t even know why he booked a session, just that he had a standing appointment every other Monday at 3 pm for an hour. Some days he walked in and he just smiled and said everything was fine because he still said exactly what others expected of him. Some days he told her of all the disappointments he felt in life day and night and she simply listened and asked ‘why’. 

Either way, Harry just felt the hole inside him getting bigger. 

_ I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly _

_ I've been so good, why am I feeling empty? _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

_ I've been so good, but it's still getting harder _

_ I've been so good, where the hell is the karma? _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

Harry just didn't understand why life felt like this.

He had taken a job at Hogwarts, working as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, he had left the care of the Orphanage in the hands of Hermione who absolutely adored all the children there. Ron had become an Auror, hunting down what was left of the Dark Wizards who followed Voldemort. 

McGonagall had taken up the position of Headmistress and she had taken one look at Harry who had applied for the position of DoD and said yes. Neville had taken Herbology, Luna Divination, Slughorn and Flitwick taught their old respective classes and Harry and McGonagall split the Transfiguration position until it could be filled. Other classes were taught by either returning Professors or newly hired ones. 

Harry honestly felt that the reason Transfigurations hadn’t been filled was because McGonagall just couldn’t let it go. 

Harry understood that. 

Ginny understandably hated the idea of Harry teaching. He didn’t need the money and it meant less time for them to spend together. On top of them living in different locations as Harry decided to stay at Hogwarts full time and help with the rebuilding efforts. Ginny wanted to get away from the reminders of war. Harry couldn’t stop thinking about them like he needed everything to be set right before he could even think of forgetting. 

How do you set right the dead? 

Dr. Honeycutt thought it was a good idea, she said Harry having something else to do to fill his day, and having a steady routine would take time and make him feel more accomplished.

So Harry taught and he loved it. 

Every day was a new thing, a new problem to solve, a new accomplishment, a new day. He was head of Gryffindor, but he made sure to be fair, providing points to Slytherins when they answered correctly, taking points for Gryffindor when they bullied or mocked others. 

Still, that emptiness persisted but he simply got used to ignoring it. No matter what he did, it followed him around like a parasite. 

_ What, am I normal or not? _

_ Am I crazier than other patients? _

_ Right, I've done everything right _

_ So where's the karma doc, I've lost my patience _

Harry exploded. 

Dr. Honeycutt had only made one comment of how she felt Harry was getting better and he kind of lost it. Here he was a 23-year-old war vet, teaching children and now essentially acting like one. 

  
Dr. Honeycutt impressively didn’t even flinch when Harry's magic suddenly started throwing her things around. She didn’t look concerned or scared, didn’t show pity or sadness. Just a vague sort of interest. Then she asked that terrible question that Harry never had the answer to. 

Why?

Harry deflated after that and watched as the room righted itself without any help from Dr. Honeycutt. Books found their way back to the shelf and broken glass repaired itself. 

Harry couldn't help but laugh, the sound hysterical. 

He questioned whether he was Dr. Honeycutt's hardest, craziest patient. Honeycutt blinked her eyes slowly at this question before smiling. Amusement dancing in her brown eyes. 

Why?

And the madness started all over again.

_ 'Cause I've been so good, I've been working my ass off _

_ I've been so good, still, I'm lonely and stressed out _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

_ And I've been so good, but it's still getting harder _

_ I've been so good, where the hell is the karma? _

_ I've been so good, I've been so good this year _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah _

_ I've been so good this year _

_ I've been so good this year _

Ginny wanted a divorce. Harry should have seen this coming. He hadn’t been home in months, staying at the school on weekends to help a student with something, or to help rebuild a section of the castle, or to talk to the local centaur herd or anything other than face her unwanted advances. 

Harry had begun to think he was asexual, even in puberty he hadn’t been interested in anything sexual. He figured the constant fear for his life was the reason but now when his life was so normal he couldn’t help but think he just wasn’t interested. 

Ginny clearly caught the hint and wanted to break it off. She wasn’t mad, she had just come to Hogwarts one weekend and had the papers done. She didn’t want anything from him, though Harry had altered this so she got some money monthly from his teaching salary at least until she got a job herself, Ginny just wanted to be free. 

Maybe we were only good for each other in war. Maybe we didn’t give ourselves time to find out who we are outside of war. I’ll always love you, Harry Potter. You’ll always be my first love. 

Just like that Ginny Potter became Ginny Weasley again. 

Honeycutt thought this was a possible improvement, stating that Ginny was right. They hadn’t had time to find out who they were when their lives weren't at risk. Unlike Ron and Hermione who knew each other from a younger age and had been friends in all situations both good and bad. 

Harry wasn’t going to lie, most of his time really talking to Ginny had been when he was fighting for his life or fighting for hers. 

Ron wasn’t even mad. He was at first. But Ginny had taken him aside with Hermione and they had clearly explained it in a way that Ron understood. 

It was mutual. Harry wasn’t better. He might not ever be better. 

At least that's what Harry imagined they said. 

Now Harry was alone. 

_ Time, I know we're out of time _

_ But what if sad thoughts come and I can't stop it? _

_ Bye, I don't wanna say bye _

_ If only I could keep you in my pocket _

_ To give me some diagnosis of why I'm so hollow _

_ Please give me instructions, I promise I'll follow _

_ I tripped on my ankle and fractured my elbow _

_ But doesn't that mean that the tour's gonna sell though? _

_ I try to explain the good faith that's been wasted _

_ But after an hour it sounds like complaining _

_ Wait don't go away, can I lie here forever _

_ You say that I'm better _

_ Why don't I feel better? _

_ The universe works in mysterious ways _

_ But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me _

_ Doctor, should I be good? _

_ Should I be good this year? _

Often he got annoyed or angry during the session now, mostly because he couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with him and Dr. Honeycutt seemed to be under the impression he was getting better. 

Harry, I think you don’t NEED to come anymore

Honeycutt said this with confidence. Harry did not comprehend this statement. Harry knew their hour was up but what did she mean he didn’t have to come back. Of course, he did, he wasn’t better!

Harry needed to know what to do. Needed instructions for how to live with this hollowness! Needed to know what was wrong with him! If he could just show Honeycutt his daily life, show how he wasn’t better. He needed her and still needed her to ask that infuriating question. 

Why?

Honeycutt smiled. 

Harry had been the one asking the question, to himself this time. Harry tried to explain himself. Convince her in every session of the things that he had done. The things that deserved recognition. Things that should have gotten him good points from the Universe. 

Often he felt as though he was talking to himself, felt as though he was convincing himself. Felt like he was only complaining and boasting of his accolades. 

Honeycutt said he was better, he didn’t feel better. 

Why?

Why didn’t he feel better?

Harry needed to know.

Why do you think what you feel is bad?

Harry stopped short at this question. 

Didn’t everyone else feel happy? 

Mr. Potter, have you never felt happy, all these years?

Harry had. He remembers helping his students, hanging out with Luna and Neville. They never made him feel like the third wheel in their relationship. Talking to Snapes and Dumbledore's portrait. Speaking to McGonagall like one would their grandmother. 

Everyone else didn’t feel this empty, this hollow inside. He wasn’t better.

Isn’t the emptiness normal for someone who lost so many? Did he really think he was the only one who felt this way? Was it a constant emptiness? Haven’t you found something to make you forget it?

Harry frowned at Dr. Honeycutt's questions. 

Some days he looks at McGonagall and sees the forced smile she gives. He sees the wariness in his student's faces when they notice a part of the castle is still missing. Knows that George still can’t say Fred's name without breaking down. 

But he also sees the days that McGonagall smiles affectionately at him, always watches her eyes light up with pure joy when Harry comes to her to ask about teaching something. Loves the way the students ask for things to be added to Hogwarts in the reconstruction plans, cheering joyfully when a new section is added. Knows that George plans on naming his son after his brother and cries less and less, and smiles more and more when his name is said. 

Harry’s pain was just the same. A swift reminder of what was lost, his childhood, his friends, his life. But a just as swift reminder that what he had now wasn’t terrible. Shouldn’t be seen as wasted. While he taught and graded and helped students and rebuilt the castle, and spent time with friends he didn’t even think about it, didn’t notice the emptiness.

Why?

Because Harry wasn’t focused on it. He only did that when he talked to Dr. Honeycutt now. Only noticed when he was forced to and even then could so easily push it aside once the session was over. He never felt better when he was here. 

The universe worked in mysterious ways and as much as Harry wanted to believe it wasn’t working for him…

He had done so much good and he had been looking for some cosmically good thing to happen for him. 

Should he be good this year?

Harry thought so. 

Why? 

Because it made him happy, and that was reward enough from the universe. 

Honeycutt smiled and for once Harry did too.


End file.
